Mother's Day is a wonderful and bittersweet day for me. It is so wonderful because I am blessed to be the Mommy of two precious little boys and one beautiful little girl in heaven. I also have the most awesome mom in the world! My mom is loving, caring, kind-hearted, patient, selfless, giving, (my list could go on and on), and I'm blessed to have her in my life!
My Mother's Day was filled with Jagger & Jack's giggles & laughter, wrestling, singing and dancing, and okay...a few fights and tears! A day without those things would be just weird! :) They have a love-hate relationship! Grouchy or happy, my boys are here with me, safe in my arms, and healthy, and I am so thankful for that.
* Yes, they were wrestling in a play pen (aka..the CAGE match!!) Their baby cousin, Sam, was holding his own in there, too!!
As wonderful and sweet as Mother's Day is for me, it is also very tough, too. Today, I admit that I'm just sad. I don't get sad as often as I used to (thank God), but it's just hard to feel "complete" on Mother's Day when my precious 4-year-old little girl is not here. There is a void in my heart that truly will never be filled, and sometimes (like today), that is just hard to swallow.
Jack has started talking about London a lot lately. Jagger fills him in when he has questions. For instance, Jack asked today, "Mommy, is baby London still at the hospital?" Jagger answered, "No, Jack. She's in heaven, remember? Jack, did you know London is not even a baby. She's older than you. She's 4 and you're only 3." We were just driving down the road when we overheard that conversation, and sometimes (like that) it still stings to hear our son talk about London as if she's here with us. To say her real "age" and to tell Jack that she's "older" than him. It has always been difficult to hear Jagger talk and ask questions about his "baby sister", but to hear both of her brothers talking about her is very tough!
Jack asked the other day if London took a train to heaven! He was so serious when he asked that - bless his heart! I had to hold my tears back as I explained again how her spirit went to heaven, and she didn't even have to take a train :). That led to the question, "Well, Mommy, where is heaven? How do you get there?" Gosh, I just fumbled over my words and changed the subject after a while. That's a big subject for a 3-year-old!
Tonight, when Jagger said his prayers, the last thing he said was, "and God, I pray that London is with you and that she's healthy, Amen."
I am so thankful to know - without a doubt - that London IS with Jesus and that she IS healthy! That doesn't take my sadness away when I want her here with me, but it gives me peace and comfort, and it reminds me that it's going to be okay. My situations may change, but God never changes, and He is always good!
My precious friend gave me a beautiful charm with London's picture on it, and I wear it every single day, even if it doesn't go with my outfit! It has my angel's face on the front, and it says, "Joy is Coming" on the back. I absolutely LOVE this charm, and it's even more special to me because my friend also lost her precious little girl to HLHS just months after London died.
I know it sounds cliche', but this is why pictures are so special and important to me. They truly tell a story that words cannot. They take you back to a "place". They remind you of a feeling, sounds, smells...they allow you (and me) to never forget the moments that will never come again. I am so thankful for my precious pictures of my two days with my little girl. In the same sense, I strive to capture my boys enjoying their childhood and loving life. It's not always "perfect" and proper and posed. In fact, most of the time, there's dirt or mud involved, maybe a sword, wrestler, football...you name it...but it's real and it's them, and it's what I want to remember!
How about you? Are you capturing your children just as they are? Or are you always hoping to get their hair just right, their outfits perfectly matched, the ketchup wiped off their face? I encourage you to take the picture anyway! Childhood is not always perfect and "clean" all the time, but all of it - and I mean all of it - is precious and beautiful! So, don't let petty things (like a grouchy face or mismatched clothes) keep you from capturing moments that you will cherish forever! :)