My heart is heavy tonight. My grief is so real tonight as I remember so vividly this night, 5 years ago. I was awaiting the arrival of my precious little girl, London Cloe Tomes. I was nervous. I was scared. But I was sooo very excited to meet her, to hold her, to kiss on her and smell her, and put her cheeks to mine. I had waited so long to meet my sweet girl, and although the few months before her birth were anything but "normal", she was still our gift from God - our miracle - our daughter. It's so hard to believe that my London would be 5 tomorrow. I see how her brothers are at 7 and 3 years old, and I can only imagine how she would look, how she would act, how she would talk and squeal and laugh! Oh, my heart just is overflowing with the grief of the unknowns.
I would do anything in this world to have her here with us - to be planning her party, buying her presents (and getting to shop in the "pink" sections). How I wish my sweet little girl was here with me. I think she would be a mini-me. Really, I think I just want to believe that she would be just like me! :) After all, I'm a little outnumbered in my house! I imagine her being my sidekick - my shopping buddy - my pedicure buddy - my little photography model. How I would love to dress her up in the cutest Matilda Jane outfits...with the cutest bows...to see her twirling in an open field, with her face filled with laughter.
My heart just hurts tonight. My heart always has an ache...but these few days, these moments are just so real and so raw right now. I am sad.
Having said that...I am so very thankful for the 9 months she danced and twirled in my belly and the two days she was in our arms. It was not long enough. It's not how life is supposed to go. Parents should not lose their children. A quote that I have heard for a long time that makes a lot of sense to me now is, "Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." As much as my heart hurts right now, I would NEVER in a million years trade the two days I held my daughter in my arms. Sure...if it never would have happened, I wouldn't feel this hurt. However, if London never existed, then I would never know the intensity of my love for my baby girl. I would never have had to cling to my Savior's feet like I have when I had nowhere else to turn. I would have never known what it was like to find peace beyond all understanding and to move forward when my feet felt that they were in cement.
Because of London, I am more passionate, more sympathetic, more intense, more patient, more willing, more understanding, and just more of who God wants me to be. I am determined to make a difference in London's name. I am determined to honor her, to share her story, and to share the love that God has shared with me.
I haven't always agreed with Him, and I sure haven't understood Him. But, I have learned to love Him more than I ever imagined. I know He loves me, even though my prayers were not answered the way I wanted. I will never be "satisfied" with losing London, but I have peace in knowing that I WILL see her again, and that one day, my bouncing little girl will run to her mommy, and we will twirl and dance together. I will hear her say my name! I know that once we embrace, I will never ever have to let her go again!
I LOVE YOU, LONDON!! HAPPY 5th BIRTHDAY, sweet baby girl!!
Today, I truly Celebrate Life...I Celebrate Love...and I Celebrate London. Thank you to everyone who has supported London's Bridge Photography and the true Cause behind it! I am so very thankful for you!!